For once in my life, I think I've actually grown. Not it a physical sense, though my eating habits would beg to differ, but maybe a little spiritually. Maybe it's not fair to say I've grown... more of a maturation. I am "growing out of" one very significant phase of my life and I'm entering a new one. I don't know if art will be an essential part of it, and that above all makes me very sad. I barely think of creating in the way I used to, though I am still at constant odds when it comes to expressing myself. I've found a job that makes me both fulfilled in one sense, and very empty in another. Can we ever win? I really am literally listening to the two analog clocks in my room ticking away at this now god awful hour as it has become for me because I have to rouse myself from bed early now to make it to this very confusing thing I call a job, where I am both an essential part yet still feel very replaceable. My heart is not right these days. Last time I added an entry I said that my mood was hopeful... that was sincerely fleeting, because since then I have both reentered school and dropped out yet again. Someone once told me that things change, but they are not necessarily better or worse, just different. I guess understanding that is what made that particular person so tragic and sad to me. Still, maybe he was right.

I wont have trouble sleeping tonight, because I know I have a purpose. I think that accepting what that purpose is, though, is the hardest part of living these days.